As a mental health counselor, I find that many of my clients struggle with a central issue related to their wellness: Do I deserve it? Indeed, this may be a question we all ponder at some point regarding what we believe we should have, experience, or feel—or not. The notion of deserving relates to a sense of worthiness, a defining belief about ourselves.
Specializing in the treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)—a relentless and potentially debilitating mental health concern anchored in the intolerance for uncertainty— I sometimes see treatment progress stall just when a client has made significant headway in reclaiming their life from the obsessions and compulsions that OCD imposes. When I engage clients in exploring their resistance to fully freeing themselves from the grip of OCD, a common fear emerges: that they don't entirely deserve to be well. More disheartening is the belief held by some clients that they deserve their illness.
Sound familiar? We may think that if others truly knew us, they would love us less. We might feel the need to deprive ourselves of something good because having it seems selfish. Perhaps we believe we cannot—or should not—enjoy what others don’t. We may even feel, subconsciously, we’re not good enough to experience goodness.
The concept of deserving is embedded in our Western culture, religious doctrines, and general outlook. From a young age, we teach children that they deserve to play only if they have been good; Christians recite prayers avowing that they are not worthy to receive Communion; and we sometimes tell loved ones that we don't deserve them. These ideas suggest that we embody some unworthiness, or must earn the good things that come to us. Unwittingly, we may even sabotage our own comfort, joy, or positive outcomes, fearing we've taken something we have no right to. Conversely, we may believe that the misfortunes in our lives are warranted.
Of course, "good" behavior typically elicits recognition and praise and "bad" behavior begets punishment. We uphold the notion of merit and teach socially acceptable conduct by linking action to consequence. However, when our perception of our inherent value, or worthiness, is unclear, we may block or disallow the wellness, joy, or goodness we can rightfully claim. When I discover that a client has a deeply internalized belief that they are not deserving of healing and wellness, I guide them to observe newborns in a maternity ward.
Most would agree that babies who have just entered this world are innocent, unblemished, and have an intrinsic value they did not earn. All the babies in a maternity ward are the same, equally deserving of wellness. So did we all enter this world, I remind my clients. We arrived with a clean slate, a natural goodness and worth that are ineradicable. We will inevitably make mistakes, hurt people, fail, and cause harm to greater and lesser degrees in our individual journeys, accompanied by corresponding consequences. We will also meet with adversity, loss, and heartache that manifest randomly, without apparent or logical cause. Yet, the value we arrived with to this life is permanent. Therefore, we remain equally deserving, like the newborns, of wellness. Our work is to recognize and validate our natural, innate worth and allow ourselves to heal, be well, and receive what is good.
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